Seriously!! How do you fold a fitted sheet!?!?!

Some of these made me laugh out loud, so I had to share!

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards orFAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that?s is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you s*ck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dude from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sl*ttier & sl*ttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a
problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!),but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heII do I respond to that?

I get really mad when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pisssed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There?s nothing like being made to feel like a fat ba$tard before dinner.

Am I Corrupting My Child???

We pull into the garage tonight about spending the evening at the library. Usually I pull in and shut the garage before we even get out of the car, but this time I didn't. I get Chloe out of the car and we walk over to the drive way. We talk for a few seconds and then the following conversation ensues:

Me: Chloe, are you ready to go inside and play?
Chloe: No, no Mama. Let's pick weeds! Weeds, Mama!
Me: That's my girl!

I admit, I have this obsession with picking weeks. Mostly its because they have taken over my yard and each weed I'm able to pull out by the roots seems like a small victory to me. But it cracks me up that Chloe would rather pick weeds than play! That's my girl...

Chloe has also developed a healthy obsession of her own. Cinderella. She doesn't really LOVE this movie, but she loves playing dress up. Yesterday she decided that she needed a crown to go with her dress. It's so funny because she gets so excited with herself when she's dressed up. She likes to twirl in the dress, dance, run, sing, it's too funny!

Note: There's actually a mirror on the back of this door. She likes to go look at herself whens she gets dressed up!

Near Disaster @ Bath and Body Works

I'm so not kidding.

So BBW sells these cute little duck totes. (See Link) Made of that really think sleeping bag type material. The tote tucks inside a little duck that zips up. Pretty cute, huh?

For those who haven't been in the store, I'll try my best to describe the display:

Imagine a pillar/column type thing. White. You always see them in senior pictures, it seems. Square base. And it's taller than Chloe. I would guess it's about 3-4 feet tall. So on top of this pillar sits 4 huge glass bases. Very thick glass. About the size around of a dinner plate and about 1.5-2 feet tall. I'm 5'3 and the top of the vase/jar comes to about the top of my head. There are four of them sitting on this pillar filled to the top with these duck totes. That takes up all the place on the base.

So they have one of these on display. It's opened up, so imagine the duck hanging on a hook with the bag just hanging there. How is it hung, you ask? Well. It's on one of those S hooks attached to the side of the VERY heavy GLASS vase/jar. (You see where I'm going with this???)

So as we are walking by, what does Chloe do? She grabs the bright yellow fabric that's hanging at her eye level, not being able to see that it's attached to anything. Not that that would have stopped her...

Anyway, down comes the duck tote along with the vase. The vase shatters everywhere.

We are VERY fortunate, because that could have ended in a major disaster. Luckily she only had some minor cuts. And luckily I was holding her hand and kept walking, dragging her with me, before I knew what was happening, if not, it would have come down right on her head!

I collect Chloe and put her in the stroller and try to pick it up some. It took about five minutes for someone to come over with a broom. I explain what happened and profusely apologized. I was torn between telling the girl that I thought this was a safety hazard, because I didn't want it to seem like I was making excuses for it and not taking responsibility. But ultimately, I added that I really think that is unsafe and the consequences would have been tragic very easily. She nodded and I went on my way.

Actually we went to target and shopped for about an hour. On the way back to my car, I happen to glance into the store and see that the display is replaced exactly the way it was before. I was LIVID!

But I get in my car and go home. Once I'm home, I can't let it go, so I call up to the store and ask to speak with a manager. I explain what happened and express my frustration about it being right back the way it was. I mention that all it takes is someone brushing by, even with a purse, and knocking it over again. She actually apologizes and agrees it's definitely a safety hazard. She goes ahead and takes it down but asks me to come back in to fill out an incident report so that it can be faxed to their corporate office. She stated that was the way the store required them to do the display, blah, blah, blah.

Really, all I wanted was for the tote not to be hanging off of the vase. We accomplished that, so I was fine. I guess the moral of my story is to watch out for this if you happen to go in there in case it's not changed in your store!

Funny tidbits:

• This happened yesterday. We went back in today to fill out the report. I'm holding Chloe at this point, and the second we pass the display of duck totes, Chloe starts yelling at the top of her lungs and pointing the display, as proud as can be:

Chloe: I broke dat! Look Mama, I broke dat Mama!!!
Me: Yes. Yes you did baby. We don't want to do that again.
Chloe: Yeah, I broke dat. Hey guys!!! I broke dat!!!

• You know you shop at Target too much when your toddler gets distressed because we aren't going in there. And for the rest of the way home you have to listen to: "I go to Target, Dat way Mama...Target. Mama Target!!!"