So I am frustrated. For various reasons. Mostly I just want to get home. No word on the second interview. So it's not looking good that we will make our flight on Friday or Monday. Which means we will be here until at least next Wednesday.
I'm frustrated because Chloe is so fussy. Monday will mark two since Mark left. I have to admit, it's super hard here by myself. All the other families have been more than great, but they have babies to take care of as well. Bella is sleeping less and less and doesn't like to be ever put down. It wasn't so bad when she would nap, because I could sit her down afterwards on the bed and play with her. Now she is so fussy from the lack of sleep that I can't put her down or play with her, she just wants to be held.
And I'm sure that there are people who think that I just need to let her cry. And sometimes I do, as sometimes it doesn't matter whether I put her down or hold her, she cries all the same. And I know that she is getting spoiled from being held so much.
But Chloe is not like a normal baby. She has extra issues and demands that need to met, issues that you don't have to deal with in a biological baby or a baby that you have had since day 1.
Chloe spent the first 4 months of her life in institutionalized care, where she wasn't able to have the attention that most babies get. She's suffered a loss from her birthmother, and then from the nannies that raised her for the first 4 months of her life. She's had a lot to adjust to, and I think that she's doing amazingly well. But I think it's important that she knows that we (I) am here for her now. She needs to learn to trust again, she needs to learn to trust us. My point is, there are a bunch of other issues that need to be considered with her. And if meeting those needs turn her into a spoiled baby, so be it. Once we get home, and she is comfortable, we will work on changing that.
That being said, I'm frustrated that I am frustrated. I know that she picks up on it and that doesn't help either of us. So that's what I am working on right now. It breaks my heart when she is not happy. I just wish there was more I could do. I feel like I'm a bad mother to her right now, because I can't calm her down at times. And then I get frustrated with myself.
Ironically, she's actually sleeping right now. I look over at her as she sleeps, and I can't put into words how greatful I am to have her. She truly is a gift from God. And I might not have carried her 9 months, but it doesn't make a bit of difference. She is the most precious thing in the world.
I know there are those out there that distinguish between biological children and adopted children. Some that feel one is a replacement for another, or others that feel that "Chloe is wonderful, but are you going to have any kids of your own?" Well, Chloe IS our own, just as much as any biological child would ever be. I sincerely hope that Chloe never has to feel that or experience that from anyone. I know that I won't be able to protect Chloe from every unnessecary hurt that she will face in her life, but I definitely will do my best.
It's funny because as you walk down the street, various Vietnamese people will stop and talk to you. They'll talk to the baby, and as they leave, they all seem to say the same thing: "Lucky Baby". And even people back home will comment about how lucky she is. Well, I disagree with that, I think that we are the lucky ones. Actually, I know that.
5 comments:
Angel, you are right about bio vs adopted. I can tell you without a doubt that bio or adopted they are your child none the more or less than the other. It's amazing how the human heart loves like it does!
nothing gets me more upset than people asking if the twins are adjusting as good as my own kids, or if the twins are easier babies than my own kids...my older two hear this and I do not want them (or anyone!) thinking there is any difference in this mama's heart between the four because they each have an equal share.
Well Speaking only for myself I think that Chloe Is a very lucky baby!!!! Lucky to have you for a Mommy! As are you lucky to have her! Sweetheart you are going to be fine and so is Chloe, You can NOT spoil a child by loving them too much, it is NOT possible. It is hard for you right now because you are sholdering everything by yourself but once you get home you will have help. I understand your frustration but just hold on.
Love ya
Hang in there, chin up it will get better once you can go have mom time to yourself for a bit. It goes both ways, you both are lucky to have eachother.
Kathleen
PAP Adoppt and Next....
Your frustration is completely understandable, but you cannot spoil a baby by holding and loving her. You are meeting her needs, which will pay off in the long run. Hang in there!
Hey girl...Chloe is soooo beautiful...I'm glad i finally got the chance to come and look at this. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. You will have so many times that you are going to be frustrated...there is nothing that I can tell you to do to get the frustration to go away. I don't think there has been one day that I haven't had it.
I really feel from knowing you in the past, that you will be an awesome mother. The hardest thing to do is never to doubt that you will be. Every parent screws up at one point or another. We just have to do our best to correct whatever happens.
As for the whole spoiling thing....I held my kids all the time...i'm their mother for god sakes...and you being chloes mom i would expect you to do nothing less but to give her all the love in the world. She has to be scared to a point...to be raised by people she has known for 4 months and then to be put with people she doesn't know yet. I guarantee she will have a hard time adjusting to the time change too! Just hang in there and don't forget to take YOU time...that is one of the most important things of being a mom. Even if its five minutes to sit outside and breath fresh air by YOURSELF!!!
Love ya bunches...and hope you have a safe return...Get with me when you get back and settled so I can come visit or we can meet up for lunch....my treat!
Jessica Warren
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